Truth is that I can't move on. I think about you every day and hate myself every day. I'm the reason you are not here. Can't help but think that because 18yrs ago I made the worst decision with you, I am unable to open my heart truly. I dream about what your face, fingers, eyes and toes would be like. Would you have my eyes or his? Your scent, your smile. What I would give to hear the sound of your voice. To hear you tell me I love you or Mommy; breaks my heart every day. I'm so sorry that I let them rip you from my loins. I allowed them to scoop you like if you were a piece of trash. I ask myself why every day. I don't talk to God because I don't know what to say. How am I worthy to pray to God and ask of anything. I feel stuck in this world without you. There have been many times where I get angry that your grandparents are not here and they will not meet my children. I get jealous at the fact that your uncles and aunties had the chance to experience that. But when I sit back and think... it's only me I hate because I took that opportunity from them and you. The truth is I don't want forgiveness, I don't want the pity from others. All this pain I go thru is self-inflicted and even 18 years later I feel as I fully deserve it.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
I sit here where Dad is buried and as i try to let all this pain, anxiety, depression, worries out i find myself relating to Dad. Just keeping it in not allowing myself to let it out. Where your heart is heavy and no matter how much i try im unable to lift any weight off. I feel like im losing it. My mind that is. My relationship is in shambles because of my insecurities, my crazy thoughts. My inability to be positive. When did i become this person? When did i stop being Azalia? Most days i dont recognize myself anymore. I miss the inner peace i once had. I want it back.
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