Letter to you

Truth is that I can't move on. I think about you every day and hate myself every day. I'm the reason you are not here. Can't help but think that because 18yrs ago I made the worst decision with you, I am unable to open my heart truly. I dream about what your face, fingers, eyes and toes would be like. Would you have my eyes or his? Your scent, your smile. What I would give to hear the sound of your voice. To hear you tell me I love you or Mommy; breaks my heart every day.  I'm so sorry that I let them rip you from my loins. I allowed them to scoop you like if you were a piece of trash. I ask myself why every day. I don't talk to God because I don't know what to say. How am I worthy to pray to God and ask of anything. I feel stuck in this world without you. There have been many times where I get angry that your grandparents are not here and they will not meet my children. I get jealous at the fact that your uncles and aunties had the chance to experience that. But when I sit back and think... it's only me I hate because I took that opportunity from them and you. The truth is I don't want forgiveness, I don't want the pity from others. All this pain I go thru is self-inflicted and even 18 years later I feel as I fully deserve it.

https://youtu.be/lnUV4cz0gv8?list=PLNBSqppRhAmzX63WfJ9c2ugT6T0UYY0UD

I sit here where Dad is buried and as i try to let all this pain, anxiety, depression, worries out i find myself relating to Dad. Just keeping it in not allowing myself to let it out. Where your heart is heavy and no matter how much i try im unable to lift any weight off. I feel like im losing it. My mind that is. My relationship is in shambles because of my insecurities, my crazy thoughts. My inability to be positive. When did i become this person? When did i stop being Azalia? Most days i dont recognize myself anymore. I miss the inner peace i once had. I want it back.

Don't let jealousy, bitterness and sadness consume you

Today I realized how selfish I have been these past few years. After loosing our Mother and Father I have grown bitter and jealous to some of my family. For example when my sister spoils her grown ass kids or when I think of my nieces and nephews were able to spend that time with their grandparents (my parents). Simply because, my parents are not here to spoil me. When I think of my unborn children and how they will miss out on how wonderful my Dad was at being Grandpa, and how Mom would spoil them the best. It hurts the bottom of my soul that we won't experience that. But what I realized today, is that our Parents were not only our parents but they also filled in for those absent parents within my own family. Today my niece posted a video (see link below) of a Latino rapper, his own original words flowing from his mouth about being a Padre (Father). It hit me right then and there, here I am boo-hoohing about our parents being gone and how I can't do this or that. But I realized, some of my own nephews and nieces have also been without a Father. How their Grandfather filled in or at least tried to fill those voids. I should be thankful that he was able to be there for them as well. As if he wasn't, who knows how their lives would be like now. How some of them never really had a Father figure and may never will, how they could be jealous of us because we had him for 50+ years. Then I also think of my boyfriend who doesn't even know who his Father is, and the pain that has caused which has also influenced who he is today. So as I sit there next time feeling sorry for myself and being sad, I should remember that others are less fortunate than I am. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize if my words of jealousy and sadness hurt you.  I love you Family... and hope to one day we get to see them again. 

Ser Padre video


Sincerely, 
Your baby sis
Your loving crazy Auntie
Azalia

the haunting beginning

Her heart was racing. Her thoughts were words like dead flies on cobwebs. She looked at him, he looked at her, no words were spoken. She jumped as her name was called. Then there she was, all alone with strangers looking down on her. She felt cold, then she felt nothing. She kept looking at the door wishing to see him push through and pull her arm and hold her close. It was all so vivid in her head, but nothing happened. She wanted to be rescued when she could have rescued herself, but didn't. Then all she heard was that loud overbearing noise she will never forget but will always regret.  

Day 2

Day 2 of my 3 day cleanse. Not dead yet. Hungry? Not really, but looking and smelling at food makes my brain to have my mouth utter the words "Im hungry!". I honestly am in shock that I haven't ate anything in sight. It's definitely crossed my mind. When no one is looking I think "hmmm I can eat this and no one will know" however I've succeeded at telling myself "I will know, and that is the most important". I gotta stop lying to myself. So its now dinner time and then dessert..again my favorite part of the day! I think tomorrow may be my hardest day..but I will stay strong. Have to..otherwise this commitment was just a waste.
Xoxo - Azy

Day 1

Oh my, what have I done? I think my body is in shock. Well, no not really. It's my brains fault. It's telling my body that I am on day 1 of my 3day cleanse. There are countless days that I have gone without eating or drinking for at least ten hours! But as of 7am this morning according to my rumbling tummy....IM STARVING!! It's 1:13pm and I'm still alive. Cyber Monday I got a great deal on SUJA juice. Package arrived yesterday and I dove right in today. I keep telling myself its only three days..only three days. So why did I choose to do this? Those who know me I've been in this health-rollercoaster ride for I don't know how long. I'm doing this for me, to feel better and look better. Truth is I've been letting Diabetes win for so many years. But now I have to take control. I want a family of my own and if I don't take control I won't accomplish that. I also want a waist vs a belly lol. Cheers to that! Stay tuned for my many rants... its about time I use this blog outlet a lot more!

Pieces

It's all a blurr with these tears in my eyes. It's nothing but flashbacks everytime I blink. This is all I've known for all my life. From birth to about 10 months ago it was filled of childhood memories, family feuds, but most of all a house full of love and laughter. In 2011 it broke in half and now the only trace we have is left are pieces of those memories. So much could have been saved, done but our egos got in the way. A lot of could haves, wish upons, would of's but its too late now. I leave my footprints here and all I leave is pieces of my heart. Daddy and Mommy I'm so sorry.