Day 2

Day 2 of my 3 day cleanse. Not dead yet. Hungry? Not really, but looking and smelling at food makes my brain to have my mouth utter the words "Im hungry!". I honestly am in shock that I haven't ate anything in sight. It's definitely crossed my mind. When no one is looking I think "hmmm I can eat this and no one will know" however I've succeeded at telling myself "I will know, and that is the most important". I gotta stop lying to myself. So its now dinner time and then dessert..again my favorite part of the day! I think tomorrow may be my hardest day..but I will stay strong. Have to..otherwise this commitment was just a waste.
Xoxo - Azy

Day 1

Oh my, what have I done? I think my body is in shock. Well, no not really. It's my brains fault. It's telling my body that I am on day 1 of my 3day cleanse. There are countless days that I have gone without eating or drinking for at least ten hours! But as of 7am this morning according to my rumbling tummy....IM STARVING!! It's 1:13pm and I'm still alive. Cyber Monday I got a great deal on SUJA juice. Package arrived yesterday and I dove right in today. I keep telling myself its only three days..only three days. So why did I choose to do this? Those who know me I've been in this health-rollercoaster ride for I don't know how long. I'm doing this for me, to feel better and look better. Truth is I've been letting Diabetes win for so many years. But now I have to take control. I want a family of my own and if I don't take control I won't accomplish that. I also want a waist vs a belly lol. Cheers to that! Stay tuned for my many rants... its about time I use this blog outlet a lot more!

Pieces

It's all a blurr with these tears in my eyes. It's nothing but flashbacks everytime I blink. This is all I've known for all my life. From birth to about 10 months ago it was filled of childhood memories, family feuds, but most of all a house full of love and laughter. In 2011 it broke in half and now the only trace we have is left are pieces of those memories. So much could have been saved, done but our egos got in the way. A lot of could haves, wish upons, would of's but its too late now. I leave my footprints here and all I leave is pieces of my heart. Daddy and Mommy I'm so sorry.

How?

How can you comfort or tell someone it will all be okay when you can't even imagine what they are going thru? Let alone when you have gone thru it and you're still coping, healing, crying and lost in about one thousand million of emotions. It's such a hard and sensitive thing to be there for. No right words to say. All you can do is be that shoulder when needed.

You're still here?

I never knew that you'd be in my life this long. You were supposed to come in and then see your way out. But you stayed at your will. You trapped me with your charm and smile. Then you wrapped me with your sweet and soft kissing.

this little light of mine....

I've lost it. It went away with you two. First it was dimmed...but now its gone. I don't know how to get it back. I thought I had found a spark that would ignite is as bright as the sun, but im just not so sure anymore. I hardly even know where I am at, if I'm going forwards or am I going backwards? Is it day or is it night? It doesn't matter because all I want to do is shut my eyes so that I can see you smile again, laugh again or better yet see the life that could have been. You know the one I always dreamed of? The one where you get to meet my child, where I would have a fit for you spoiling rotten. The day I get to see you teaching the same values you implored in me. Where I get to see your proud faces for what I've done with my life and the innocent child who I raised. If I am lucky I get to see you being called great grandparents. I don't know, it doesn't matter because... in my dreams I can live whatever life I want. In that life, I wont see you age or full of worries. I won't see one gray hair. Better yet you wont see me in my life struggles, because in there it will all be okay. Truth is, I miss you two greatly. I feel like a baby without her security blanket. You two were my security blanket and now I feel lost without it. It was ripped away from me ....too soon. I needed more time, there was so much more for me to show you, to tell you. So many more hugs and kisses that needed to be given. It's not fair, I had to grow up pretty quick and be an adult and now that you're gone all I want to do is be a kid again.  

I love you and miss you Mom and Dad... I wish I could stop this pain.

your baby,

Azalia