How?

How can you comfort or tell someone it will all be okay when you can't even imagine what they are going thru? Let alone when you have gone thru it and you're still coping, healing, crying and lost in about one thousand million of emotions. It's such a hard and sensitive thing to be there for. No right words to say. All you can do is be that shoulder when needed.

You're still here?

I never knew that you'd be in my life this long. You were supposed to come in and then see your way out. But you stayed at your will. You trapped me with your charm and smile. Then you wrapped me with your sweet and soft kissing.

this little light of mine....

I've lost it. It went away with you two. First it was dimmed...but now its gone. I don't know how to get it back. I thought I had found a spark that would ignite is as bright as the sun, but im just not so sure anymore. I hardly even know where I am at, if I'm going forwards or am I going backwards? Is it day or is it night? It doesn't matter because all I want to do is shut my eyes so that I can see you smile again, laugh again or better yet see the life that could have been. You know the one I always dreamed of? The one where you get to meet my child, where I would have a fit for you spoiling rotten. The day I get to see you teaching the same values you implored in me. Where I get to see your proud faces for what I've done with my life and the innocent child who I raised. If I am lucky I get to see you being called great grandparents. I don't know, it doesn't matter because... in my dreams I can live whatever life I want. In that life, I wont see you age or full of worries. I won't see one gray hair. Better yet you wont see me in my life struggles, because in there it will all be okay. Truth is, I miss you two greatly. I feel like a baby without her security blanket. You two were my security blanket and now I feel lost without it. It was ripped away from me ....too soon. I needed more time, there was so much more for me to show you, to tell you. So many more hugs and kisses that needed to be given. It's not fair, I had to grow up pretty quick and be an adult and now that you're gone all I want to do is be a kid again.  

I love you and miss you Mom and Dad... I wish I could stop this pain.

your baby,

Azalia

Keep smiling

Blah... Inside thats how I feel. These past couple months have been pretty hard. I am still having trouble landing a job, getting even more broke by the minute! Feeling worthless.. ugh.. yes I said it because I feel it. Don't get this blog twisted.. I dont want pitty or you to feel sorry for me. We all choose different roads and sometimes they lead you to places like where I am at right now. Wether it was getting married young and failing at it or not going to school right after highschool or even 5 years after that. I know, i know it's not too late! But man.. I didnt think I would really regret some choices ive made. Now here I am, 32 years old, unemployed, in debt and simply feeling like at a dead end! But no worries, I still carry my smile and am optimistic that things will turn around for me soon! I recently applied for some funding so that I can take the HR Certificate program at SDSU. Should get a call soon and see if I qualified for it... wish me luck guys! 

I was a child once upon a time...

child:
— n  , pl children
1.	a. a boy or girl between birth and puberty

I know we all remember this word and the meaning but just to clarify I have provided the definition, just in case. Certainly there is so much more to define the significance of this word. Shall we elaborate? 

This takes me back to mismatching outfits (Punky Brewster), plush monkeys (Munchichis (sp)), Barbie pre-pregnancy scandal, normal cartoons like Popeye, Tom & Jerry, Looney Tunes, HEMAN, SHERA, GI JOE, bike riding, roller skating, hopscotch, radio & cassette players (when we would call in our favorite station to make a dedication vs. posting a YouTube video on someones Facebook wall)...well you guys get the idea. Man the good ol'days! Don't know about you but yes I believe our generation and before were the last to have that type of childhood. Now days elementary kids have a cell phone, an IPAD and a Facebook page. Okay now that I've mentioned the obvious, who remembers being a "child" and giving lip to your elders without getting the pleasure to meet the belt (or maybe it was the extension coord, hanger, shoe, slap in the face or whatever have you). Better yet anyone remember being a "child" and rolling their eyes, having the option when to do your homework, chores, eat, shower, play, yell, come and go as you please? Anyone? C'mmon anyone? Nope didn't think so. 

See children now days have no idea and I repeat NO IDEA how easy life is made by some parents. On top of that completely unforeseen and unappreciated. Our generation had structure, we had a schedule that  went something like this (stop me when I lie)... 

Weekdays:

• Wake up early, make your bed, get ready for school
• Eat breakfast
• School and more school
• Come home and do homework
• Chores
• play time
• Dinner (whatever was provided...no menu available)
• Bath time
• Family TV time
• 8pm - 9pm latest BEDTIME

Weekend:

• Sleep in an hour later than normal weekday
• wake up, make your bed and pick up your room
• eat breakfast (whatever was provided... no menu available)
• Chores (usually clean the entire house inside and outside)
• Lunch (whatever provided... Fast food was a treat and not weekly or daily)
• Family time 

At least this is how my childhood was. Going over a friends house was a no-no and slumber parties were definitely out of the question. Actually it wasn't until my teenage years that my sister and I were allowed out in the front yard with minimal supervision. To my older siblings this is an outrage because they weren't allowed down three front yard steps without Momma yelling their name loud and clear for the whole neighborhood to get their butt inside <insert na-na-na-boo boo face here>.

All I am saying is, children appreciate the freedom you have and enjoy being a child. Don't be in a rush to grow up. Adults remember how we grew up, teach your kids real values and know that our parents had a reason to do what they did. The majority of us turned out okay and didn't go on a shooting rampage at school for no reason or better yet kill our parents like its not a big deal. I'm not saying be a spitting image of your parents either but create that parental figure and don't focus on being your child's friend. They need us for guidance and discipline otherwise how will they make it out here alive? After that, trust your child to make big decisions with a clear understanding of the consequences those will have. Trust them to be young adults that are responsible and to carry those values they grew up with. 

Now if only Dad could understand that I did grow up to be responsible and make clear decisions of my life. My mistakes have been lessons learned. Most of all, if he could only see that both him and Mom brought up a responsible, caring, loving and intelligent woman... I'd be quite alright.

"Dad, I will always be your little girl and love you so, but trust and be happy for me."

Forgiveness

Close your eyes and see your beauty inside.

Take a deep breath, exhale and feel the strength within.

Grip your hands and know that you hold the power to make all your dreams a reality.

Take a step forward and begin your destined journey.

But before you can do that...

Forgive yourself and believe that you are worth so much more than what you hold now.

A.A.

To love or not to love...

I take it we all don't have a choice. Our hearts will fall in and out of love at least once if not multiple times and that is ... if we are lucky. We may think that we can control that but who are we kidding? It's how our emotions work. It's how God created us. I know first hand that many of us put up our walls and say "nope not going to fall for that" but in reality if we are thinking that already its because we have fell already. The interest in that other person keeps us enticed and wanting to know more. For those who know me... know where I am coming from. I have put up walls like no other. I don't even want people to break them down because of the fear of disappointment, the fear of lost time. Im only playing myself though, ive come to that conclusion. Im in a constant war with myself. What if I waste 1, 5, 16 years more of my life investing in a life that may not end up in "lifetime"? How do I differentiate whos real and whos fake? Will my heart really tell me? How do I reach the goal of becoming a mother when I have this war going on? Im tired of it, so Im putting the walls down and opening up my heart. Im ready to love again, to enjoy the good times and endure the bad ones. Im ready to let go of the pain and the damage caused. Im ready to forgive and leave it in my past. Ready to move on without making someone pay for the past mistakes.

To love or not to love .... LOVE I couldnt do it any other way. As someone special once told me... "treat yourself don't cheat yourself".