To love or not to love...

I take it we all don't have a choice. Our hearts will fall in and out of love at least once if not multiple times and that is ... if we are lucky. We may think that we can control that but who are we kidding? It's how our emotions work. It's how God created us. I know first hand that many of us put up our walls and say "nope not going to fall for that" but in reality if we are thinking that already its because we have fell already. The interest in that other person keeps us enticed and wanting to know more. For those who know me... know where I am coming from. I have put up walls like no other. I don't even want people to break them down because of the fear of disappointment, the fear of lost time. Im only playing myself though, ive come to that conclusion. Im in a constant war with myself. What if I waste 1, 5, 16 years more of my life investing in a life that may not end up in "lifetime"? How do I differentiate whos real and whos fake? Will my heart really tell me? How do I reach the goal of becoming a mother when I have this war going on? Im tired of it, so Im putting the walls down and opening up my heart. Im ready to love again, to enjoy the good times and endure the bad ones. Im ready to let go of the pain and the damage caused. Im ready to forgive and leave it in my past. Ready to move on without making someone pay for the past mistakes.

To love or not to love .... LOVE I couldnt do it any other way. As someone special once told me... "treat yourself don't cheat yourself". 

Madre querida...

Madre querida, madre adorada agarra una palita y come ca_ _ _ _! ....... esa cancioncita se la cantaba a mi Mama solamente para hacerla reir y que me diera mi coscorron. Ay mi madre, mi madre como la extranamos todos. Especialmente mi Padre que cada minuto la extrana y cada segundo le brinca un palpito del corazon. Porque te nos fuiste madre? Por que? Si yo supiera que nos dejaria por accidente le hubiera dado todos los chocolates, pastelitos, panecitos, frappucinos que me pedia. Yo se que solo lo hacia para hacerme enojar y decirle que "NO! Le hace dano tanto dulce mejor una ensalada de fruta!" Es tan dificil reconocer cada dia no la voy a ver en su sillon con su cafecito cada manana, o cuando me toque la puerta y me pregunte si quiero comer. Dificil de creer que no va a llegar a casa y echar de gritos que porque esto y porque lo otro. Deveras, que uno no sabe apreciar lo que tiene hasta cuando le hace falta. Daria lo que fuera por ver sus ojitos lindos, su sonrisa y por oir su voz otra vez. Lei la carta que me escribio en 2003, me decia que nos queria a todos por igual. Tambien me dijo algo que presentia y ODIO que resulto cierto. Me pesa mucho y no sabe cuanto lo siento. Le arrabate esas emociones que pudo haber sentido. Ojala y me pueda perdonar si la vuelvo a ver. Estoy tranquila, la siento cerca. Tal vez porque vive en mi. Toda la casa y todo nos recuerda de usted. Que los comerciales, las viejas encueradas...todo todo. Nuestro viejito la extrana mucho. Esta manana me pidio que le pusiera una foto suya en su telefono. Le puse cinco, y lo programe a que se cambiara cada 15 minutos. Le encanto, pero luego se puso triste y a ver su telefono cada 15 minutos. Que podemos hacer? Nada, la quiere mucho y no se haya sin usted. La comida que le hago dice que no la hago como usted y pues claro que no. Nunca sera igual. Le seguire tratando. Lo estamos cuidando lo mas que se deja este viejito terco. Mama, si no te lo dije bastante... la amo amo amo mucho. Tratare de sonreir como antes pero no se si podre. Love you and miss you Mom.

Pardon my hood...

Hanging out earlier with my sister and her homegirls was quite interesting. Listening to them chat it up was very entertaining but also very frustrating. I realized im out of touch from my hood-ness (no wonder Esmeralda always laughs at me and says I sound like a gringa). Okay okay Ive never really been Miss Hoodgirl and i've never been in a relationship with a cholo. Don't get me wrong some homeboys are definitely eye candy worth, but I've never been a fan of gang affiliated men. As I was asking the homegirls this evening (have asked my sister so many times) "What draws you to these men?" Relaax... I am not trying to talk down to anyone. I am not a person who thinks they are above anyone. But seriously what is it? I'm talking about the one's who don't grow up. Who have chosen to stay in this lifestyle of going in and out of jail. Who still rep the hood (did I use that in the appropriate manner? hahha). I mean, should I keep going? Why not use all that pride, energy, organization skills, power into something more productive? Do they not think they are worth more? I say break the cycle, do something for yourselves and your loyal families who feel the consequences much more than you. 

Soooo ... pardon my hood...but I stand alone and for those who are important in my life.

Sleepless in Cyberworld

Having so much trouble going to sleep. My mind is at full speed. I have been so busy and have not had a chance to focus on what my next steps are. Although, this being unemployed situation was almost like heaven sent. I have been able to be here for my parents in these hard situations lately. But I don't want to loose focus on the goals I have set myself. I seriously need to oragnize my time efficiently and stop wasting time.

Thats all for tonight. I have way to much in mind and dont like to write when im like this.

There's only room for growth

These past ten days have been some of the greatest. Filled with laughter, family drama, lots and lots of tears but most of all filled with L-O-V-E. We are some crazy moody family and we got it from our momma and poppa...lord knows its true!

About a year ago (more or less) my (our) best friend/sister/niece/daughter/grandaughter, etc. left San Diego to begin her life as a married woman. We were all devastated and filled with mixed emotions to let her go. At the same time so proud of the independent woman she became. We all had different feelings, for my sister her baby was grown up and left the nest. For my nephew it was a bittersweet feeling, he wouldnt have to do her chores anymore or fight (even though he enjoyed at times) and most of all he was stoked to finally have a bedroom to himself! For my parents it was another thing they will worry about.. their first grandaughter eloping and moving miles away and there was nothing they could possibly do to change that decision. I am sure the rest of my family had similar feelings about this situation.  For me personally, it meant my other half was leaving. I'll admit it I was selfish at first thinking of how could she leave so far without me. What about me? Not until after is when I put myself in her shoes. Being young and finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Deep down I was still hurt and I did not know how to deal with the seperation. I just felt like I lost her...but today I realized that we didn't loose anyone, in this family there is only room for growth. We now have a addition to the family, a brother/son/nephew/grandson/friend. It was great to finally spend some quality time with our niece and her husband. Getting to know their little quirks, attitudes and of course Silvia's crazy ass in front of her husband. To be able to observe and inhale the man who took our Silvia away, the one who stole her heart.

With all that said... Mr. Rodney Ross welcome to the family. We love you both! and remember 55% but Im sure with this blog its now 75% :) 

A spoonful of sugar...

A spoonful of sugar is exactly what I should of had for breakfast. That may have helped my morning. Today was supposed to be drama-free and the best day ever! Silvia and her hubby Rodney arrived to San Diego and was completely extatic until the weather was gloomy, mom slipped and hurt herself and had to be taken to ER to ensure nothing was broken. Quite a scare, especially knowing my dad is still getting better and wouldn't be good to have two parents recovering. At that....in different facilities. Anyhow, things are getting better Mom just pulled a muscle and was released with pain medication but couldnt come to see her honey (Dad). 


Now to continue my best day this year... hope it ends better than it started! xoxo

Rrrraaabiosa!

Watch "Shakira - Rabiosa ft. Pitbull" on YouTube
Finally the video I was waiting for from Shakiras "Sale el sol" album! I was expecting a sexier and crazier video and im disappointed Pitbull is.not in the video. However, Shakiras pole dancing makes it worth your viewing pleasure :) !