Letter to you

Truth is that I can't move on. I think about you every day and hate myself every day. I'm the reason you are not here. Can't help but think that because 18yrs ago I made the worst decision with you, I am unable to open my heart truly. I dream about what your face, fingers, eyes and toes would be like. Would you have my eyes or his? Your scent, your smile. What I would give to hear the sound of your voice. To hear you tell me I love you or Mommy; breaks my heart every day.  I'm so sorry that I let them rip you from my loins. I allowed them to scoop you like if you were a piece of trash. I ask myself why every day. I don't talk to God because I don't know what to say. How am I worthy to pray to God and ask of anything. I feel stuck in this world without you. There have been many times where I get angry that your grandparents are not here and they will not meet my children. I get jealous at the fact that your uncles and aunties had the chance to experience that. But when I sit back and think... it's only me I hate because I took that opportunity from them and you. The truth is I don't want forgiveness, I don't want the pity from others. All this pain I go thru is self-inflicted and even 18 years later I feel as I fully deserve it.

https://youtu.be/lnUV4cz0gv8?list=PLNBSqppRhAmzX63WfJ9c2ugT6T0UYY0UD

I sit here where Dad is buried and as i try to let all this pain, anxiety, depression, worries out i find myself relating to Dad. Just keeping it in not allowing myself to let it out. Where your heart is heavy and no matter how much i try im unable to lift any weight off. I feel like im losing it. My mind that is. My relationship is in shambles because of my insecurities, my crazy thoughts. My inability to be positive. When did i become this person? When did i stop being Azalia? Most days i dont recognize myself anymore. I miss the inner peace i once had. I want it back.

Don't let jealousy, bitterness and sadness consume you

Today I realized how selfish I have been these past few years. After loosing our Mother and Father I have grown bitter and jealous to some of my family. For example when my sister spoils her grown ass kids or when I think of my nieces and nephews were able to spend that time with their grandparents (my parents). Simply because, my parents are not here to spoil me. When I think of my unborn children and how they will miss out on how wonderful my Dad was at being Grandpa, and how Mom would spoil them the best. It hurts the bottom of my soul that we won't experience that. But what I realized today, is that our Parents were not only our parents but they also filled in for those absent parents within my own family. Today my niece posted a video (see link below) of a Latino rapper, his own original words flowing from his mouth about being a Padre (Father). It hit me right then and there, here I am boo-hoohing about our parents being gone and how I can't do this or that. But I realized, some of my own nephews and nieces have also been without a Father. How their Grandfather filled in or at least tried to fill those voids. I should be thankful that he was able to be there for them as well. As if he wasn't, who knows how their lives would be like now. How some of them never really had a Father figure and may never will, how they could be jealous of us because we had him for 50+ years. Then I also think of my boyfriend who doesn't even know who his Father is, and the pain that has caused which has also influenced who he is today. So as I sit there next time feeling sorry for myself and being sad, I should remember that others are less fortunate than I am. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize if my words of jealousy and sadness hurt you.  I love you Family... and hope to one day we get to see them again. 

Ser Padre video


Sincerely, 
Your baby sis
Your loving crazy Auntie
Azalia

the haunting beginning

Her heart was racing. Her thoughts were words like dead flies on cobwebs. She looked at him, he looked at her, no words were spoken. She jumped as her name was called. Then there she was, all alone with strangers looking down on her. She felt cold, then she felt nothing. She kept looking at the door wishing to see him push through and pull her arm and hold her close. It was all so vivid in her head, but nothing happened. She wanted to be rescued when she could have rescued herself, but didn't. Then all she heard was that loud overbearing noise she will never forget but will always regret.  

Day 2

Day 2 of my 3 day cleanse. Not dead yet. Hungry? Not really, but looking and smelling at food makes my brain to have my mouth utter the words "Im hungry!". I honestly am in shock that I haven't ate anything in sight. It's definitely crossed my mind. When no one is looking I think "hmmm I can eat this and no one will know" however I've succeeded at telling myself "I will know, and that is the most important". I gotta stop lying to myself. So its now dinner time and then dessert..again my favorite part of the day! I think tomorrow may be my hardest day..but I will stay strong. Have to..otherwise this commitment was just a waste.
Xoxo - Azy

Day 1

Oh my, what have I done? I think my body is in shock. Well, no not really. It's my brains fault. It's telling my body that I am on day 1 of my 3day cleanse. There are countless days that I have gone without eating or drinking for at least ten hours! But as of 7am this morning according to my rumbling tummy....IM STARVING!! It's 1:13pm and I'm still alive. Cyber Monday I got a great deal on SUJA juice. Package arrived yesterday and I dove right in today. I keep telling myself its only three days..only three days. So why did I choose to do this? Those who know me I've been in this health-rollercoaster ride for I don't know how long. I'm doing this for me, to feel better and look better. Truth is I've been letting Diabetes win for so many years. But now I have to take control. I want a family of my own and if I don't take control I won't accomplish that. I also want a waist vs a belly lol. Cheers to that! Stay tuned for my many rants... its about time I use this blog outlet a lot more!

Pieces

It's all a blurr with these tears in my eyes. It's nothing but flashbacks everytime I blink. This is all I've known for all my life. From birth to about 10 months ago it was filled of childhood memories, family feuds, but most of all a house full of love and laughter. In 2011 it broke in half and now the only trace we have is left are pieces of those memories. So much could have been saved, done but our egos got in the way. A lot of could haves, wish upons, would of's but its too late now. I leave my footprints here and all I leave is pieces of my heart. Daddy and Mommy I'm so sorry.

How?

How can you comfort or tell someone it will all be okay when you can't even imagine what they are going thru? Let alone when you have gone thru it and you're still coping, healing, crying and lost in about one thousand million of emotions. It's such a hard and sensitive thing to be there for. No right words to say. All you can do is be that shoulder when needed.

You're still here?

I never knew that you'd be in my life this long. You were supposed to come in and then see your way out. But you stayed at your will. You trapped me with your charm and smile. Then you wrapped me with your sweet and soft kissing.

this little light of mine....

I've lost it. It went away with you two. First it was dimmed...but now its gone. I don't know how to get it back. I thought I had found a spark that would ignite is as bright as the sun, but im just not so sure anymore. I hardly even know where I am at, if I'm going forwards or am I going backwards? Is it day or is it night? It doesn't matter because all I want to do is shut my eyes so that I can see you smile again, laugh again or better yet see the life that could have been. You know the one I always dreamed of? The one where you get to meet my child, where I would have a fit for you spoiling rotten. The day I get to see you teaching the same values you implored in me. Where I get to see your proud faces for what I've done with my life and the innocent child who I raised. If I am lucky I get to see you being called great grandparents. I don't know, it doesn't matter because... in my dreams I can live whatever life I want. In that life, I wont see you age or full of worries. I won't see one gray hair. Better yet you wont see me in my life struggles, because in there it will all be okay. Truth is, I miss you two greatly. I feel like a baby without her security blanket. You two were my security blanket and now I feel lost without it. It was ripped away from me ....too soon. I needed more time, there was so much more for me to show you, to tell you. So many more hugs and kisses that needed to be given. It's not fair, I had to grow up pretty quick and be an adult and now that you're gone all I want to do is be a kid again.  

I love you and miss you Mom and Dad... I wish I could stop this pain.

your baby,

Azalia

Keep smiling

Blah... Inside thats how I feel. These past couple months have been pretty hard. I am still having trouble landing a job, getting even more broke by the minute! Feeling worthless.. ugh.. yes I said it because I feel it. Don't get this blog twisted.. I dont want pitty or you to feel sorry for me. We all choose different roads and sometimes they lead you to places like where I am at right now. Wether it was getting married young and failing at it or not going to school right after highschool or even 5 years after that. I know, i know it's not too late! But man.. I didnt think I would really regret some choices ive made. Now here I am, 32 years old, unemployed, in debt and simply feeling like at a dead end! But no worries, I still carry my smile and am optimistic that things will turn around for me soon! I recently applied for some funding so that I can take the HR Certificate program at SDSU. Should get a call soon and see if I qualified for it... wish me luck guys! 

I was a child once upon a time...

child:
— n  , pl children
1.	a. a boy or girl between birth and puberty

I know we all remember this word and the meaning but just to clarify I have provided the definition, just in case. Certainly there is so much more to define the significance of this word. Shall we elaborate? 

This takes me back to mismatching outfits (Punky Brewster), plush monkeys (Munchichis (sp)), Barbie pre-pregnancy scandal, normal cartoons like Popeye, Tom & Jerry, Looney Tunes, HEMAN, SHERA, GI JOE, bike riding, roller skating, hopscotch, radio & cassette players (when we would call in our favorite station to make a dedication vs. posting a YouTube video on someones Facebook wall)...well you guys get the idea. Man the good ol'days! Don't know about you but yes I believe our generation and before were the last to have that type of childhood. Now days elementary kids have a cell phone, an IPAD and a Facebook page. Okay now that I've mentioned the obvious, who remembers being a "child" and giving lip to your elders without getting the pleasure to meet the belt (or maybe it was the extension coord, hanger, shoe, slap in the face or whatever have you). Better yet anyone remember being a "child" and rolling their eyes, having the option when to do your homework, chores, eat, shower, play, yell, come and go as you please? Anyone? C'mmon anyone? Nope didn't think so. 

See children now days have no idea and I repeat NO IDEA how easy life is made by some parents. On top of that completely unforeseen and unappreciated. Our generation had structure, we had a schedule that  went something like this (stop me when I lie)... 

Weekdays:

• Wake up early, make your bed, get ready for school
• Eat breakfast
• School and more school
• Come home and do homework
• Chores
• play time
• Dinner (whatever was provided...no menu available)
• Bath time
• Family TV time
• 8pm - 9pm latest BEDTIME

Weekend:

• Sleep in an hour later than normal weekday
• wake up, make your bed and pick up your room
• eat breakfast (whatever was provided... no menu available)
• Chores (usually clean the entire house inside and outside)
• Lunch (whatever provided... Fast food was a treat and not weekly or daily)
• Family time 

At least this is how my childhood was. Going over a friends house was a no-no and slumber parties were definitely out of the question. Actually it wasn't until my teenage years that my sister and I were allowed out in the front yard with minimal supervision. To my older siblings this is an outrage because they weren't allowed down three front yard steps without Momma yelling their name loud and clear for the whole neighborhood to get their butt inside <insert na-na-na-boo boo face here>.

All I am saying is, children appreciate the freedom you have and enjoy being a child. Don't be in a rush to grow up. Adults remember how we grew up, teach your kids real values and know that our parents had a reason to do what they did. The majority of us turned out okay and didn't go on a shooting rampage at school for no reason or better yet kill our parents like its not a big deal. I'm not saying be a spitting image of your parents either but create that parental figure and don't focus on being your child's friend. They need us for guidance and discipline otherwise how will they make it out here alive? After that, trust your child to make big decisions with a clear understanding of the consequences those will have. Trust them to be young adults that are responsible and to carry those values they grew up with. 

Now if only Dad could understand that I did grow up to be responsible and make clear decisions of my life. My mistakes have been lessons learned. Most of all, if he could only see that both him and Mom brought up a responsible, caring, loving and intelligent woman... I'd be quite alright.

"Dad, I will always be your little girl and love you so, but trust and be happy for me."

Forgiveness

Close your eyes and see your beauty inside.

Take a deep breath, exhale and feel the strength within.

Grip your hands and know that you hold the power to make all your dreams a reality.

Take a step forward and begin your destined journey.

But before you can do that...

Forgive yourself and believe that you are worth so much more than what you hold now.

A.A.

To love or not to love...

I take it we all don't have a choice. Our hearts will fall in and out of love at least once if not multiple times and that is ... if we are lucky. We may think that we can control that but who are we kidding? It's how our emotions work. It's how God created us. I know first hand that many of us put up our walls and say "nope not going to fall for that" but in reality if we are thinking that already its because we have fell already. The interest in that other person keeps us enticed and wanting to know more. For those who know me... know where I am coming from. I have put up walls like no other. I don't even want people to break them down because of the fear of disappointment, the fear of lost time. Im only playing myself though, ive come to that conclusion. Im in a constant war with myself. What if I waste 1, 5, 16 years more of my life investing in a life that may not end up in "lifetime"? How do I differentiate whos real and whos fake? Will my heart really tell me? How do I reach the goal of becoming a mother when I have this war going on? Im tired of it, so Im putting the walls down and opening up my heart. Im ready to love again, to enjoy the good times and endure the bad ones. Im ready to let go of the pain and the damage caused. Im ready to forgive and leave it in my past. Ready to move on without making someone pay for the past mistakes.

To love or not to love .... LOVE I couldnt do it any other way. As someone special once told me... "treat yourself don't cheat yourself". 

Madre querida...

Madre querida, madre adorada agarra una palita y come ca_ _ _ _! ....... esa cancioncita se la cantaba a mi Mama solamente para hacerla reir y que me diera mi coscorron. Ay mi madre, mi madre como la extranamos todos. Especialmente mi Padre que cada minuto la extrana y cada segundo le brinca un palpito del corazon. Porque te nos fuiste madre? Por que? Si yo supiera que nos dejaria por accidente le hubiera dado todos los chocolates, pastelitos, panecitos, frappucinos que me pedia. Yo se que solo lo hacia para hacerme enojar y decirle que "NO! Le hace dano tanto dulce mejor una ensalada de fruta!" Es tan dificil reconocer cada dia no la voy a ver en su sillon con su cafecito cada manana, o cuando me toque la puerta y me pregunte si quiero comer. Dificil de creer que no va a llegar a casa y echar de gritos que porque esto y porque lo otro. Deveras, que uno no sabe apreciar lo que tiene hasta cuando le hace falta. Daria lo que fuera por ver sus ojitos lindos, su sonrisa y por oir su voz otra vez. Lei la carta que me escribio en 2003, me decia que nos queria a todos por igual. Tambien me dijo algo que presentia y ODIO que resulto cierto. Me pesa mucho y no sabe cuanto lo siento. Le arrabate esas emociones que pudo haber sentido. Ojala y me pueda perdonar si la vuelvo a ver. Estoy tranquila, la siento cerca. Tal vez porque vive en mi. Toda la casa y todo nos recuerda de usted. Que los comerciales, las viejas encueradas...todo todo. Nuestro viejito la extrana mucho. Esta manana me pidio que le pusiera una foto suya en su telefono. Le puse cinco, y lo programe a que se cambiara cada 15 minutos. Le encanto, pero luego se puso triste y a ver su telefono cada 15 minutos. Que podemos hacer? Nada, la quiere mucho y no se haya sin usted. La comida que le hago dice que no la hago como usted y pues claro que no. Nunca sera igual. Le seguire tratando. Lo estamos cuidando lo mas que se deja este viejito terco. Mama, si no te lo dije bastante... la amo amo amo mucho. Tratare de sonreir como antes pero no se si podre. Love you and miss you Mom.

Pardon my hood...

Hanging out earlier with my sister and her homegirls was quite interesting. Listening to them chat it up was very entertaining but also very frustrating. I realized im out of touch from my hood-ness (no wonder Esmeralda always laughs at me and says I sound like a gringa). Okay okay Ive never really been Miss Hoodgirl and i've never been in a relationship with a cholo. Don't get me wrong some homeboys are definitely eye candy worth, but I've never been a fan of gang affiliated men. As I was asking the homegirls this evening (have asked my sister so many times) "What draws you to these men?" Relaax... I am not trying to talk down to anyone. I am not a person who thinks they are above anyone. But seriously what is it? I'm talking about the one's who don't grow up. Who have chosen to stay in this lifestyle of going in and out of jail. Who still rep the hood (did I use that in the appropriate manner? hahha). I mean, should I keep going? Why not use all that pride, energy, organization skills, power into something more productive? Do they not think they are worth more? I say break the cycle, do something for yourselves and your loyal families who feel the consequences much more than you. 

Soooo ... pardon my hood...but I stand alone and for those who are important in my life.

Sleepless in Cyberworld

Having so much trouble going to sleep. My mind is at full speed. I have been so busy and have not had a chance to focus on what my next steps are. Although, this being unemployed situation was almost like heaven sent. I have been able to be here for my parents in these hard situations lately. But I don't want to loose focus on the goals I have set myself. I seriously need to oragnize my time efficiently and stop wasting time.

Thats all for tonight. I have way to much in mind and dont like to write when im like this.

There's only room for growth

These past ten days have been some of the greatest. Filled with laughter, family drama, lots and lots of tears but most of all filled with L-O-V-E. We are some crazy moody family and we got it from our momma and poppa...lord knows its true!

About a year ago (more or less) my (our) best friend/sister/niece/daughter/grandaughter, etc. left San Diego to begin her life as a married woman. We were all devastated and filled with mixed emotions to let her go. At the same time so proud of the independent woman she became. We all had different feelings, for my sister her baby was grown up and left the nest. For my nephew it was a bittersweet feeling, he wouldnt have to do her chores anymore or fight (even though he enjoyed at times) and most of all he was stoked to finally have a bedroom to himself! For my parents it was another thing they will worry about.. their first grandaughter eloping and moving miles away and there was nothing they could possibly do to change that decision. I am sure the rest of my family had similar feelings about this situation.  For me personally, it meant my other half was leaving. I'll admit it I was selfish at first thinking of how could she leave so far without me. What about me? Not until after is when I put myself in her shoes. Being young and finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Deep down I was still hurt and I did not know how to deal with the seperation. I just felt like I lost her...but today I realized that we didn't loose anyone, in this family there is only room for growth. We now have a addition to the family, a brother/son/nephew/grandson/friend. It was great to finally spend some quality time with our niece and her husband. Getting to know their little quirks, attitudes and of course Silvia's crazy ass in front of her husband. To be able to observe and inhale the man who took our Silvia away, the one who stole her heart.

With all that said... Mr. Rodney Ross welcome to the family. We love you both! and remember 55% but Im sure with this blog its now 75% :) 

A spoonful of sugar...

A spoonful of sugar is exactly what I should of had for breakfast. That may have helped my morning. Today was supposed to be drama-free and the best day ever! Silvia and her hubby Rodney arrived to San Diego and was completely extatic until the weather was gloomy, mom slipped and hurt herself and had to be taken to ER to ensure nothing was broken. Quite a scare, especially knowing my dad is still getting better and wouldn't be good to have two parents recovering. At that....in different facilities. Anyhow, things are getting better Mom just pulled a muscle and was released with pain medication but couldnt come to see her honey (Dad). 


Now to continue my best day this year... hope it ends better than it started! xoxo

Rrrraaabiosa!

Watch "Shakira - Rabiosa ft. Pitbull" on YouTube
Finally the video I was waiting for from Shakiras "Sale el sol" album! I was expecting a sexier and crazier video and im disappointed Pitbull is.not in the video. However, Shakiras pole dancing makes it worth your viewing pleasure :) !