Forgiveness

Close your eyes and see your beauty inside.

Take a deep breath, exhale and feel the strength within.

Grip your hands and know that you hold the power to make all your dreams a reality.

Take a step forward and begin your destined journey.

But before you can do that...

Forgive yourself and believe that you are worth so much more than what you hold now.

A.A.

To love or not to love...

I take it we all don't have a choice. Our hearts will fall in and out of love at least once if not multiple times and that is ... if we are lucky. We may think that we can control that but who are we kidding? It's how our emotions work. It's how God created us. I know first hand that many of us put up our walls and say "nope not going to fall for that" but in reality if we are thinking that already its because we have fell already. The interest in that other person keeps us enticed and wanting to know more. For those who know me... know where I am coming from. I have put up walls like no other. I don't even want people to break them down because of the fear of disappointment, the fear of lost time. Im only playing myself though, ive come to that conclusion. Im in a constant war with myself. What if I waste 1, 5, 16 years more of my life investing in a life that may not end up in "lifetime"? How do I differentiate whos real and whos fake? Will my heart really tell me? How do I reach the goal of becoming a mother when I have this war going on? Im tired of it, so Im putting the walls down and opening up my heart. Im ready to love again, to enjoy the good times and endure the bad ones. Im ready to let go of the pain and the damage caused. Im ready to forgive and leave it in my past. Ready to move on without making someone pay for the past mistakes.

To love or not to love .... LOVE I couldnt do it any other way. As someone special once told me... "treat yourself don't cheat yourself". 

Madre querida...

Madre querida, madre adorada agarra una palita y come ca_ _ _ _! ....... esa cancioncita se la cantaba a mi Mama solamente para hacerla reir y que me diera mi coscorron. Ay mi madre, mi madre como la extranamos todos. Especialmente mi Padre que cada minuto la extrana y cada segundo le brinca un palpito del corazon. Porque te nos fuiste madre? Por que? Si yo supiera que nos dejaria por accidente le hubiera dado todos los chocolates, pastelitos, panecitos, frappucinos que me pedia. Yo se que solo lo hacia para hacerme enojar y decirle que "NO! Le hace dano tanto dulce mejor una ensalada de fruta!" Es tan dificil reconocer cada dia no la voy a ver en su sillon con su cafecito cada manana, o cuando me toque la puerta y me pregunte si quiero comer. Dificil de creer que no va a llegar a casa y echar de gritos que porque esto y porque lo otro. Deveras, que uno no sabe apreciar lo que tiene hasta cuando le hace falta. Daria lo que fuera por ver sus ojitos lindos, su sonrisa y por oir su voz otra vez. Lei la carta que me escribio en 2003, me decia que nos queria a todos por igual. Tambien me dijo algo que presentia y ODIO que resulto cierto. Me pesa mucho y no sabe cuanto lo siento. Le arrabate esas emociones que pudo haber sentido. Ojala y me pueda perdonar si la vuelvo a ver. Estoy tranquila, la siento cerca. Tal vez porque vive en mi. Toda la casa y todo nos recuerda de usted. Que los comerciales, las viejas encueradas...todo todo. Nuestro viejito la extrana mucho. Esta manana me pidio que le pusiera una foto suya en su telefono. Le puse cinco, y lo programe a que se cambiara cada 15 minutos. Le encanto, pero luego se puso triste y a ver su telefono cada 15 minutos. Que podemos hacer? Nada, la quiere mucho y no se haya sin usted. La comida que le hago dice que no la hago como usted y pues claro que no. Nunca sera igual. Le seguire tratando. Lo estamos cuidando lo mas que se deja este viejito terco. Mama, si no te lo dije bastante... la amo amo amo mucho. Tratare de sonreir como antes pero no se si podre. Love you and miss you Mom.

Pardon my hood...

Hanging out earlier with my sister and her homegirls was quite interesting. Listening to them chat it up was very entertaining but also very frustrating. I realized im out of touch from my hood-ness (no wonder Esmeralda always laughs at me and says I sound like a gringa). Okay okay Ive never really been Miss Hoodgirl and i've never been in a relationship with a cholo. Don't get me wrong some homeboys are definitely eye candy worth, but I've never been a fan of gang affiliated men. As I was asking the homegirls this evening (have asked my sister so many times) "What draws you to these men?" Relaax... I am not trying to talk down to anyone. I am not a person who thinks they are above anyone. But seriously what is it? I'm talking about the one's who don't grow up. Who have chosen to stay in this lifestyle of going in and out of jail. Who still rep the hood (did I use that in the appropriate manner? hahha). I mean, should I keep going? Why not use all that pride, energy, organization skills, power into something more productive? Do they not think they are worth more? I say break the cycle, do something for yourselves and your loyal families who feel the consequences much more than you. 

Soooo ... pardon my hood...but I stand alone and for those who are important in my life.

Sleepless in Cyberworld

Having so much trouble going to sleep. My mind is at full speed. I have been so busy and have not had a chance to focus on what my next steps are. Although, this being unemployed situation was almost like heaven sent. I have been able to be here for my parents in these hard situations lately. But I don't want to loose focus on the goals I have set myself. I seriously need to oragnize my time efficiently and stop wasting time.

Thats all for tonight. I have way to much in mind and dont like to write when im like this.

There's only room for growth

These past ten days have been some of the greatest. Filled with laughter, family drama, lots and lots of tears but most of all filled with L-O-V-E. We are some crazy moody family and we got it from our momma and poppa...lord knows its true!

About a year ago (more or less) my (our) best friend/sister/niece/daughter/grandaughter, etc. left San Diego to begin her life as a married woman. We were all devastated and filled with mixed emotions to let her go. At the same time so proud of the independent woman she became. We all had different feelings, for my sister her baby was grown up and left the nest. For my nephew it was a bittersweet feeling, he wouldnt have to do her chores anymore or fight (even though he enjoyed at times) and most of all he was stoked to finally have a bedroom to himself! For my parents it was another thing they will worry about.. their first grandaughter eloping and moving miles away and there was nothing they could possibly do to change that decision. I am sure the rest of my family had similar feelings about this situation.  For me personally, it meant my other half was leaving. I'll admit it I was selfish at first thinking of how could she leave so far without me. What about me? Not until after is when I put myself in her shoes. Being young and finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Deep down I was still hurt and I did not know how to deal with the seperation. I just felt like I lost her...but today I realized that we didn't loose anyone, in this family there is only room for growth. We now have a addition to the family, a brother/son/nephew/grandson/friend. It was great to finally spend some quality time with our niece and her husband. Getting to know their little quirks, attitudes and of course Silvia's crazy ass in front of her husband. To be able to observe and inhale the man who took our Silvia away, the one who stole her heart.

With all that said... Mr. Rodney Ross welcome to the family. We love you both! and remember 55% but Im sure with this blog its now 75% :) 

A spoonful of sugar...

A spoonful of sugar is exactly what I should of had for breakfast. That may have helped my morning. Today was supposed to be drama-free and the best day ever! Silvia and her hubby Rodney arrived to San Diego and was completely extatic until the weather was gloomy, mom slipped and hurt herself and had to be taken to ER to ensure nothing was broken. Quite a scare, especially knowing my dad is still getting better and wouldn't be good to have two parents recovering. At that....in different facilities. Anyhow, things are getting better Mom just pulled a muscle and was released with pain medication but couldnt come to see her honey (Dad). 


Now to continue my best day this year... hope it ends better than it started! xoxo

Rrrraaabiosa!

Watch "Shakira - Rabiosa ft. Pitbull" on YouTube
Finally the video I was waiting for from Shakiras "Sale el sol" album! I was expecting a sexier and crazier video and im disappointed Pitbull is.not in the video. However, Shakiras pole dancing makes it worth your viewing pleasure :) !

Sometimes I take pictures.. ok ok maybe all the time :)

On my Tijuana trip yesterday Tia Memis fed us a delicious homemade meal.
Frijoles de la hoya, costillitas con chile, queso fresco y claro tortillas no pueden faltar!

1966 GE fridge Tia Memis remembers when this was bought with Papa Rito.
She also refuses to paint it because she feels it will stop working as soon as she does. :)

Dominoe's mutha---- !! 

A little lunch, a little walking and alot of catch-up

My first week off and seems like all I have been doing is playing catch-up! Not bad -eh? Having all of this free time can be dangerous, once you know it's been a year of being unemployed. Well I highly doubt that will happen. But this Friday it was really nice to catch up with two of my many favorite people. Rayme and Iliana. Ohh oh.. wait Kyle came too :) sweet lil guy! As Rayme had some time off on her hands and Iliana is back home from her other home New York we made plans to meet up. Iliana enlighted us with her amazing new career stories, celebrities she's met and the amazing faith she has. Rayme talked about her love hate relationship with her job and becoming a grandmother. Yeap.. GILF all the way. I talked about my new unemployed life and shared my dating disasters. After lunch Iliana and I took a stroll at Rohr park and continued our life events and dating/love lives. This picture here is from our afternoon walk, I love this trail because I always get to see horses. Such a peaceful scenery. 

and the show went on..

Good morning everyone.. oops I mean good afternoon! I stayed pretty busy the rest of the week didn't want to be a total bum haha. Thursday I had a wonderful date with Christina (aka Comadre). As always I have to be the planner ...shes a princesa what can I say. I felt spontaneous and instead of going to our regular fast food or americanized mexican food/tex-mex spots I headed over to Coronado island (I was pretty inspired from the night before) parked my car and we walked the town enjoying the sunshine and cool breeze as we decided where to eat. We finally came across "The Brigantine" and liked their seafood inspired lunch menu. Immediately we entered the intimate setting and said "Party of two, please" ok.. really we didn't say that but I was thinking it. Christina ordered the grilled tilapia, vegetables and water (such a good girl) I on the other hand I ordered their fish tacos with vegetables and fries. Its not as bad as it sounds.. the portions were definitely not the "super-size me" usual. Ohhh yea, I ordered their Red Mango Sangria. DELICIOUS! We had a wonderful meal and our usual chatting when suddenly my easily distracted senses hears lot's of laughter and flirting going on. So I start paying more attention. Then the "Happy Birthday" chant starts...blah blah blah. As Comadre and I keep chatting.. one ear is very distracted and hears "I wish it was a di*k this big, hahahahahaha". I immediately smirk and give Comadre the look of "did you just hear that?" and because shes not as easily distracted as me I have to repeat what the ladies said. We laugh about it and at that moment we say "No pues wow!!!!" At that moment I think we realized that those middle-age or older women will be us one day. We will only be so lucky to grow old and that we can still meet up enjoy some drinks a nice meal and why not some dirty talk. I'm most confident that will be me of course.. anyone who knows me my mind resides in the gutter for sure! That party of three across the room reminded me of how it doesnt matter if you are single, have children, married, widowed, terminally ill, employed, unemployed the show really just goes on. There is no reason why to ever stop enjoying moments like this in life. I hope all my family and friends remember this always. Whenever you feel like your life is a bore call up those hilarious friends of yours and meet up for a spirit lift-up!

City lights & Caffeine

We froze our butts off... but it was worth it. The starlight blanket, ocean waves crashing sounds and city lights!

Tonight I kidnapped Betty and enjoyed some catching up...and a few other things :)

We started with our cardio workout (very well needed...we've been slacking off!) followed by a "puppy mission" and ended with city lights from Coronado, delicious lattes, protein plates and much needed girl talk. Somewhere in between we jogged and sprinted! Mind you this was before the caffeine.

Hot cup of joe sounds fab doesn't it... until you are up at 3AM

Brand new and unemployed

(was supposed to be posted on Tuesday, 5/31/11)
That right there... on the left was my throne today! Ahh what the heck...it was my Kingdom! Some may say I was lazy but I just call it "me" time. I layed in my throne and enjoyed some TV some social networking or as I usually call it 'facebooking'. Wait a second now I was somewhat productive I did get to pay my bills for the month of June. WOOHOO!

Today I am officially unemployed. UNEMPLOYED... I like saying that word for some reason. I realize it's not a well received word by many and with reason for it means that you are out of work.  But for me it means OPPORTUNITY. The first time since the day I began to work 17 years ago that I am unemployed, job-free, bummin' it out...however you would like to put it. The mixed emotions... fear, happiness, freedom, uncertainty. Overwhelming of course, but best of all the endless possibilities of a new beginning.